This is just the begining of a big change

To many sleepless nights, to much time spent on self pity and woulda coulda shoulda's.... time to change things up!

I have been trying to find ways to better myself, I want to be a better mother, spouse, friend and person in general. There are things I would like to change about myself, things I am not proud of, things I have stopped doing that I would love to bring back in order to bring order into my life.

Lists and Schedules:
I have always been known for making lists upon lists and sticking to a schedule and routine, yes having a kid routine and schedule tend to be one of the first things you loose sight of BUT is the most important thing to keep around in order to accomplish anything in your day, and is the KEY to having a happy child.
Why I stopped making lists? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened to my orderly days…maybe I got to caught up in other things and maybe this is why I have been feeling the way I do. Its time to accomplish my To DO Lists each day, and the to do list that has been dragging on for the past year.

First things first, get Riley Jane back on a schedule, then myself.

BRINGING BACK THE SCHEDULE, THE ORDER AND THE LISTS.

So in order to make myself a better person I am forced to figure out what is bringing me down and fix it. Easier said than done, but I need to get to the root of why I feel certain ways about certain things, why my weaknesses are my weaknesses and what my strengths are... I need to be a stronger person for myself and for my family.

Defensive:
My entire life I have been EXTREMELY defensive, I feel as though I have to come up with an excuse as to why I do things or I have to justify things that don’t need justification… Why do I do this? I feel Judged, constantly. My entire life I have felt like I needed to add up to what my older sister was/is… and no matter how hard I tried I was still not even close. Then I realized. I am myself, I have accomplished more things in my life that I am completely proud of that I don’t give myself credit for, and JUST BECAUSE I didn’t get married before having a child (which seems to be a big one in my family) that doesn’t make me any less of a mother. (my biggest issue at the moment)

Questions like: “did you bring diapers” Me: who has a child under the age of 1 and leaves the house WITHOUT Diapers… this is NOT a question you need to ask a mother, and guess what if there was that time that yes I did walk out of the house with out diapers chances are I have diapers in the car saved for emergencies… or even better THERE ARE STORES OUT THERE THAT SELL DIAPERS…worse comes to worse my child sits in a dirty diaper for 5 more minutes while I run in and buy some diapers. NO BIGGY.
Or even better… It is winter… hasn’t been above 40 degrees in a while… my favorite “don’t forget to put a jacket on her” Me: Uhhhhhh no shit Sherlock, why the hell wouldn’t I put a jacket and WARM clothes on my child.

Yes I understand people are just trying to help, but it really annoys me when things of this nature are said… I mean really do I have a sign suck to my forehead that reads DUMBASS?

I am young, yes. I look even younger, uhh yes. I am not married, yes. But I am not clueless, I CAN take care of my child…actually I am a great mother, and as I sit here and type this out my confidence is boosted. I know what I am, but I think it bothers me that others don’t see it. BUT I don’t need approval from others (or do i?) maybe that’s what I am seeking approval.

We are all quick to judge, but hate being judged. I have tried my hardest to not judge another… I find myself judging others and I stop myself and try to put myself in their shoes, figure out why they are doing what they are doing and more importantly figure out WHY I AM JUDGING THEM. 60 percent of the time its because of an insecurity I have, something I am unsure of. People are different we will raise our children different…it happens.

So how am I going to fix this “being defensive” thing… well since I cant change others and the stupid comments they make sometimes, I am going to have to work on myself, how I take comments.. maybe seek anger management since it bothers me so much. I need to dig deep down inside and resolve what ever personal issue it is that is making it so hard for me to deal with criticism…

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM is one thing, that I can deal with, it is those that try and TELL me what I need to be doing, or what I an not doing or what I am doing wrong…when they have absolutely no clue… again with the judging, get your facts straight before trying to “help” someone.. you may just be hurting them.

Self-Esteem:
One thing I am working on, and as backwards as it may seem…becoming a mother has helped me a ton. Usually you lose confidence in yourself and they way you look after having a child.. not in my case. I have never felt better about myself (and no its not just because I now have some tatas… those aren’t going to last)
I have always been small, thin and well lets face it awkward in shape… and yes nothing has changed, I am still small thin and awkward looking, but I carry myself a little better, and I am learning how to dress the body I have rather than the body I wish I had. Learning what works and what doesn’t. Yes I am only 2 outfits into my new transition but looking like an adult (rather than a 12 year old) you are treated with a little more respect and I don’t get comments on how I should raise my child from complete strangers.

Everything seems to work together.

Staying True To Myself:
This is a hard one, who am I? For the past year I have been a mom, I change diapers, feed a baby take care of the house. I have forgotten how to be me. I am now on the road to trying to figure out who that person is. I don’t do anything anymore, I don’t go out, I don’t have anyone to hang out with… the biggest issue I have at the moment is everyone I hang out with just wants to drink, I don’t… because 1. that’s not me anymore, getting wasted on the regular just isn’t fun. 2. Because no matter who I am, at the end of the day (and next morning) I AM still a mother and it is not fair to Riley for me to be too tired to play with her, or to hung over to get out of bed.

So… I need to find friends that enjoy life some what sober, a glass of wine or a beer is cool but I am not staying out with you still 2am to drive you home so you can get shitty and forget about your life…maybe I need to find friends that have done some self discovery themselves.

Alone Time:
Something that is non existent in my life at the moment, but this will be one of the first things that changes. My main responsibility in life is my child, so I may not get alone time every day, but John and I have agreed that once a week I need to have a night (or day) where I spend alone doing what I want to do…what ever that may be, and I need to have one night a week that I go out with friends. (when I find those again). Enough said.

Patience:
I have a lot of patience, I am not one to get upset easily or to be bothered easily, but when I go into a situation without patience it’s the snow ball effect to the fullest. I yell, I scream, I cry (not all at once…all the time)

This is something I am NOT proud of, something I have been working very very hard on for the past couple months. I don’t want to yell I don’t want to scream there is no reason for it and in the end I just feel worse than when the situation began.

I am learning how to keep myself calm, how to breath deep and realize nothing is worth yelling over. One person that has helped me out a lot with this is John, watching how he can calm himself so much and slow his heart rate to get our child to sleep in less than 3 minutes EVERY night has made me think. “What the hell is wrong with me, why cant I do that” I am anxious, high strung…ALLL THE TIME. So I have been teaching myself and learning from others how to relax. Not even with Riley's bed time (I have learned to get over that… I am not going to end both of our days poorly just because she wont go to bed exactly when I want her to) but with everything, learning to let go.

Simplicity:We don’t have much, but we do have much more than others. I claim to live a simple life, but in reality I just live a simpler life than others. I don’t go out often, I rarely watch T.V. (but still do on occasion) BUT I am surrounded by other things like a smart phone and a computer… I am happy with the way I live. What I realized I have to teach my child is not to be materialistic, but allow yourself some pleasure in life. Value the things in life that are most important like Family, Friends, Love and your personal happiness